Whether its the sound of the mosque chiming in prayers, the vividly loud snoring from my husband beside me, or as simple as the squirming of the baby inside of me every now and then finding the perfect position to rest just like his mother who toss and turn every few minutes, the combination of each and every little thing formulated a perfect equation of insomnia that this third-trimester pregnant woman have to endure.
Did not know pregnancy includes packages so specific like this.
I have been pregnant since November, and I am entering my 8th month as I am writing this article today. I am not so sure what I want to write as I am sitting in Starbucks Wang Plaza at 1PM in the afternoon today, but after endless of sleepless nights and waking up at 1-2PM almost the whole week now, I am determined to fix up my hair, put on just a tiny bit of makeup today just to make me feel better of myself and actually go out and do something. What I want to achieve is to simply tire myself enough on the day so I can be tired enough at night to go sleep at a proper time. I don't know if this is going to work; hell I don't even know going out and sitting at Starbucks for hours would be suffice enough to call it a "tiresome" day, but I am going to try anyway.
Pregnancy has been an up-and-down journey for me. This is my first time conceiving a baby and it's been wild. Wild as in the feeling, the hormones, the symptoms a pregnant woman has to face, etc. Thank God my baby is healthy and well with no complications up until now. But what I want to convey is, women in general are amazing to have the ability to grow an actual human being for 9 months like this, that's all I have to say. Women who CHOOSE to conceive a child are even more amazing because they actually offer themselves to do this. Have you heard about this women in her 30th who conceive exactly 20 children with different men and see it as a business? I mean that is WILD. How do you endure the pregnancy symptoms for 20 times? Even once is more than enough for me, and I haven't even got to the most fucked up stage yet; which is labor. I am going for C-section surgery, which means my 7 layers of skin and flesh are going to be cut open for this baby to come out. You imagine that.
And with all that being said, and so that this post doesn't stray too far from topic, I want to list down some things that I hate and love so far about being pregnant, that are not normally discussed or mentioned in other pregnancy journeys content.
Things that I hate:
1. Morning 24/7 sickness
Biggest misconception of pregnancy by far because of the term itself; morning sickness. Checks out, it's not just me. All the pregnant women felt this way. Turns out... it's not just sick in the morning. It's sick in the morning, daytime, evening, night, all day, everyday, non-stop with no mercy.
My sickness is prominent on 5-6pm everyday for the first trimester, not sure why.. But this pregnancy symptoms is basically... a living hell. Imagine you just had too much to drink, and you are on the verge of vomiting. That edge... is what pregnant women feel 24/7 during the first 3 months of conceiving. And worse, nothing could stop it. It's not like you can drink a medicine for it to go away, no. This is the hormone talking, making sure your whole body knows that this baby.. is making a grand entrance to your entire system, and you can do nothing about it. What's worse is all the aversions you are experiencing as you go through all the rollercoasters of trying not to puke when you're on your way to the second meeting of your work today. All the smells; the room freshener, someone's body cologne, the smell of coffee, food heating in the microwave, everything. Everything that seemed like mild details of your daily life suddenly became your worst enemy. This goes on for 3 months, featuring your ever-lasting tiredness, that makes sleeping on your work desk in the office at 2pm suddenly feels like a beautiful destination if only boss is not sitting just 2 feet away from you.
2. Constant anxiety
Am I crushing the baby inside when I sleep in this position?
Is baby developing okay?
What if baby is malnourished?
Is my body enough to develop baby?
Is baby's heartbeat okay?
What is baby's gender?
What if I'm not a good mother?
Am I ready for this?
Will my husband contribute enough as a father?
Will I get a nasty baby blues?
What if my mother and mother-in-law is stressing me out after I become a mother?
Will c-section forever scars me?
Will my body ever return to its original shape again after I give birth?
Will my husband stop loving me after my body changes?
Am I getting enough sleep?
Oh God.. What will happen after this life chapter starts?
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and so on..
and so on..
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And these are all valid questions that went through the mind with no definite answers to each.
These constant anxiety is something that is definitely not something that people warn about. Pregnancy and having a child is a significant change towards one's life, be it from the mother or father's side. Some have long prepared, some none at all. That's why baby blue exists. And these are things that are... suffice to say, something that nobody looks forward to.
3. Pregnancy weight
I meant to write this in 2 context; one, the body weight that you gained during pregnancy, as well as the weight of baby itself. But the first one is manageable, in contrast to the second one; which only occur during your third trimester; which is the weight of your belly itself. Man.....
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my baby is growing healthy and perfectly okay. But, imagine this. There's a 2-3kg of dumb-bell on your stomach, 24/7. You can't sleep, you can't walk, you can't squat, you can't sit properly. Because this thing.. it's heavy as FUCK. Probably also the main cause of my first paragraph, which is the insomnia. You can even lie in your back because the weight would crush your veins and backbone, so your only choice is to lie on your left side or your right side. Isn't it fun?
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But aside of the above, of course there's no denying I still love my baby every single day. Which brings me to my next and only point of what I love about the pregnancy:
Things that I love:
1. My growing, healthy, baby
There's really no other reason to go through a pregnancy other than you love your soon-to-be-born baby more than anything.
The fact that you are doing your best every single day to make sure your body can be a good host for developing this baby into a healthy, beautiful child.
The immense joy and happiness when you feel his little kicks and movement, knowing he is well and happy inside.
The emotional attachment between you and your baby for 9 months.
The fact that you are entrusted to carry a child, a human being into this world.
The fact that you will meet the love of your life, the one that you take care with all your might.
That is the things that I love about being pregnant. And I'm sure all pregnant women feels the same.
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In conclusion; will I ever recommend pregnancy?
The answer definitely lies in each and every one of you. And the question you should ask yourself before you get into it is, are you ready? Especially mentally and financially. Do you want a child for reasons other than love? If yes, then maybe you are in it for the wrong reasons. Because it is a wild and hard journey, that will change your life.
Photo by Janko Ferlič from Unsplash
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