For Mother Susan

Dear future me, this message acts as a reminder for when you feel like you want to give up, when you become a mother in the future.

"I only raise you because it's an obligation."

My mother shouted those words at me when I was in middle school. When I was around 13/14 years old. She shouted in anger because she was not happy with the way I acted during a school trip. My mother was a teacher at my school back then, and during the school trip, she had no choice but to participate as well, bringing my little brother who was still a toddler back then. I was an adolescent teenager, trying to spend the holiday with my friends, and never once had crossed my mind that I had to babysit during my school trip because I was just trying to have fun with my school friends. After all, it's a holiday dedicated to middle school students, not a daycare business. Or at least that's what I thought. My mother thought otherwise. She thinks that, as a sister, I have a responsibility to take care of my little brother no matter where and when. That's when I rebelled, I denied her demand and continued to play with my friends, neglecting the little brother that wanted to tag along with her teenager sister but got no chance to do so. My mother was furious at how I acted and decided to teach me a lesson when we got back home. She made sure I got the message during the trip by completely ignoring me and giving me the stink face towards the whole trip.

Upon arrival at home, she gave me hell. She screamed and she shouted and she beat me in every possible abusive way. She punished me by giving me buckets of buckets of laundry to wash (this is not by machine, but by hand). And then out of her anger, she shouted that one sentence at me. Marking that one event as one of the most traumatic and unforgettable memories of her being a toxic parent.

I still remember every little detail visually; how she looked, where it happened, my point of view, and how it felt at that time quite vividly. It is not something a parent should say to her children, no matter how angry or how severe the child is at fault. The only justifiable excuse that I could give to my own mother in this situation is that; she is only human, and she didn't know better.

But that is also the reason why I write this post today, as a reminder for my future self.

The abusive cycle of toxic parenting stops here, starting from myself.

No matter how dire the situation is, no matter how angry, emotional, stressed you are. That children is still your children, whom you're supposed to love unconditionally. How are they going to learn how to love unconditionally, if you keep saying things like

"Udah cape-cape lahirin kamu, malah nyusahin jadi anak!"

"Tahu gak susahnya ngelahirin kamu tuh, jangan durhaka jadi anak!"

Or somewhere along that line, to which they can easily reply with "gue juga gak memilih untuk dilahirkan"

which hurts the both of us.

Pray that you have the sincere and genuine heart to love unconditionally no matter how your children acts, for he is the byproduct and reflection of you, and how you treat him.

Learn that not one person; not even you or your child are perfect, and there is always mistakes made along the way. That is normal, and that is where you are challenged to learn how to be patient and forgiving as a mature parent.

Learn not to lean towards being angry/emotional/stressed out everytime something doesn't goes your way, instead embrace it, take a deep breath, and look for conflict resolution or ways to better the situation. Don't let your anger win in every game.

Remember that words are hurtful, traumatizing, and create scars. Make sure what scars you as a children back then, does not repeat on your child.

You know better than your parents. And that is why whenever you feel like you're not, look at this post, and introspect yourself.

Love,

Your past me.

You can do this :)