pergumulan (struggle)

3 AM in the morning, and here i am instead of sleeping, i blog.

I need to let this out my chest. I know talking to somebody would let off some weight from my mind but average people would only give advices like "i know how you feel" or "think positive".

No, they don't know how i feel, and they don't know how hard i'm struggling to think "positive".

Therefore, i think writing it out would lift up the pressure of my mind. And where else should i write except my old, unpopular, and long abandoned blog?

Perfect place to speak my heart out. No traffics, no visitors, just some spammers trying to spam the shit out my cbox.

So here it is. /sigh

Cried my heart out thinking that it would make me feel a lot better, but in fact, it doesn't. Crying was said to make someone feel relieved. It's true, but you still need to let it off after all, whether it's writing or talking to someone.

Skip the stupid intro anyways. It's too long.

I feel like my whole life sucks. Of course most of the time when i am enjoying my activities or when i'm in okay mode i didn't feel that way; or maybe i felt it but i just ignore the feeling, thinking that everything would be okay, but my mind won't let me feel that way long enough. Especially when i'm socializing with people and someone made a negative statement to me, or talk to me with annoyed voice or angry voice; i would completely think negative; and that's unavoidable. For example...

Let me see. Um..

"Susan, you're so careless. You should change your habit."

If that statement came from somebody i barely knew or my friends, i would totally over-think it and zillions of question would pop up in my mind like am i really that careless? how could he/she say that? does my other friend think of me like that too? do i have little friends because of that? why could i be so careless? what should i do to change this habit? how am i supposed to socialize with others with a habit like this? all people must be thinking the same too about me. god why am i born like this? why am i unloved? why am i this? why am i that?

and one silly statement like that ruined my entire day, just like that. I go emo, completely silent and corner myself. Sometimes, i would just cry, like now.

Why? Why should i over-think like that?

I don't want to. I really am. I don't want to be so over-sensitive like this, but i can't. I'm so jealous of people who are so ignorant of everything and anything people say about them. I wanna have this "fuck haters" attitude that most hipsters and gangsters have. I wanna be like them, and i wanna be focus on what i have and everything positive rather than brooding over what i lack or my flaws.

I'm sure if i don't change this kind of habit i would totally go depressed, sooner or later, i promised.

I don't like seeing people go emo or saying that he/she don't have life, don't have friends etc on the internet. I find them cheesy and attention-seeking, and i would definitely avoid being that kind of person, but at the same time i get the feeling they're having. The feeling of unloved, ignored, unsocialized.

I am also jealous with lots of things; materials, friends, but mostly i am jealous with people who have a loving family, who care at each others, who notice every little things their family members do, etc etc.. You see i have lots of friends who can talk with their mothers like its their best friend. They talk about everything to her mom, even love life, even their every single friend, good or bad. Every kind of struggle they're facing, and how their mom gives them solution by talking nicely and give very wise advice on how to face this life. I am so grateful that i have a very strong independent mom, but once in a while i really wish how she can be my best friend, my listener who hears every bit of my story. I grew up hearing her scolding me, and forbids me doing this and that. And i would definitely don't want her to scold me on everything i done, so it's impossible to tell her my life stories....

Sometimes at time like this, when i am given a place to write out my heart feels i think too much i don't even know what to write. Just sooo many to think about, i barely write half of my mind here...

Don't you ever fucking told me to pray to God. I know God is everything, and i personally believe in God and everything about Him, and of course i prayed. But at time like this i really want to solve this on my own, without asking God for help, every single time i'm facing a hard time. It's like "God please help me this, God please help me that", you know. I'm trying so hard that i thank God everytime i am in this mode, this breakdown mode, so i'll learn to think positive. But of course, i'm still working on it, since it's always easier said than done. That's why i'm writing here, i'm spilling my heart out here.

I honestly feel better after writing (although it doesn't even describe my problems), and i'm feeling like someone out there also would feel the same way like i do, and that gives me that warm feeling that i'm not facing this alone, and of course, it's sweet.

Before i start to talk more nonsense i will stop writing right now.

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