oh nothing, just feel like shit today


Sometimes people feel shitty once in a while. For me, it happens often. Too often that i don't know how to deal it anymore, and pretend it doesn't exist while it slowly hurts and cuts the pieces of my heart little by little.

This is just a post about how i feel so pathetic these days, just ignore it if you feel like it's useless to read.

Have you ever feel like you have so much things in mind, too much, and you wanna just spit it all out to someone, or maybe something but there are just no one there to hear you? Have you ever feel like you wanna say all the things in your mind, but you just feel too messed up to say any words to express how you feel? Have you ever feel like you're sad, but without any reason? Have you ever feel like you're unwanted? And you are just nothing in everybody's eyes? Have you ever feel like they won't even care a thing even though you never existed?

I feel all of those, right now. Today. Or maybe everyday. I feel like i'm just nothing. Nothing.

Don't tell me to be positive or whatever shit that you think can make me feel better. I've tried it all. And this feeling, is still here, in my mind, in my heart. And i know, sooner or later this kind of feeling will slowly kills me inside.

FYI, tomorrow i'm going to fly back to my hometown. I don't even know what's so fun about going hometown. Last time when i was there i feel so happy. But now, i don't feel like going home. I wanna be here, in Jakarta, alone.

Today's class demands me to have a camera sooner. I want to, but how am i supposed to buy one with this kind of financial situation? I don't wanna pressure my mom, but i need it also. Not to mention i need a new phone cause my previous one is soaked. Job? What kind of job i can have? I still have to go to college, i can't do any job. Part-time's wage is too little, not worth it. And i have no time to do a full-time one. What should i do?

My head ache so hard everytime i think of all this shit. I feel like wanna cut my wrist and better off die.

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  1. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, yes. I know, those "cheer up" stuff, somehow rather doesn't have a full effect, but still, I have to say what I need to say as you are my Smarties. Which is ; DO NOT DIE. COMMITTING SUICIDE IS A SIN. Apparently. I just knew, a couple days back, haha. NO, BUT SERIOUSLY.

    Pardon my "humour", its a "defense mechanism". If you think you've got no one to vent to, vent to yourself. Say aloud all your messed up crap. But, I'm here. So, unless I'm not yr cup of tea, be a crazy person and talk to yourself.

  2. HELL NO, DUN CUT YR WRIST! It's a painful way of die-ing! Susan, though i dunno u for long, i can see tht u are a AWESOME person frm yr post! I felt what u feel sometimes too, but i'll just tell myself, just cry for a moment and move on. Thr's always something better waiting for me.

  3. Feeling depressed and all that is ok. Everyone has time where they feel like they are useless and unwanted. But no matter what, don't cut your wrists. It leaves behind ugly scars that will stay there forever. I know someone who used to self-harm, it doesn't help with the emotional pain and it definitely doesn't help with the physical pain either. Just talk to a friend or listen to happy music or watch a funny video. Or just sleep. Try doing something that'll distract you from those thoughts.

    Stay strong Susan. You are beautiful<3.

  4. Oh and remember this, in the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
    I know telling you to stay positive won't work, but just remember. You really are an amazing person, all your lovely blog readers know that too. Don't doubt yourself and just remember all the people that will love and cherish you. :)

    I sound so cheesy and lame, but really, it's true.