i fucking sick of all this.

/
0 Comments

TODAY IS A REALLY SHITTY DAY. NO REST, NO GOOD THINGS HAPPEN, NO ENTERTAINMENT, NO FREEDOM, as always. fucking first day of period makes me so moody, i screamed a lot today. whether screamed to my brother, or sabbath, or just thin air (almost to my mom, too. thank god i still can control it). OH AND GUESS WHAT, I GOT A BONUS TO MY SUFFERING, which is stomach pain, and fucking influenza that makes me sneeze a lot today. my eyes hardly can open and all teary. weather wasn't helping, either. TOO HOT THAT I CAN EASILY MELT. tried to ease my mood by hanging out with my friends tonight, but no effect. still bad mood. SOOO MUCH. or should i say the hanging out with friends thing makes my mood gone worser. somebody fucking say something about my physic; which i don't wanna fucking say here since it's humiliating; and although that person say that to me without any meaning to hurt me, but i still am offended and heartbroken. some people just gonna learn how to control what they say to others. they might think it's okay, but you will never know how much pain you cause to that person you say. maybe the pain will last for days, weeks, years, or eve forever. they just don't know how much it hurts. like when you say to a fat girl "hey you gain weight!" although it's obvious, you'll never know how much pain she'll have by just hearing that few words. maybe even make her become a bullimic, or anorexia, or even suicide by just a few words of those. they just dont fucking understand. those people. those PERFECT AND FLWALESS people. never think other people's feeling.

i don't even wanna talk to anybody today, not even my friends, not even my family. i hate today soooo much that i feel like wanna just jump into a blackhole and never ever come back to this shitty world.

okay so those who are fucking PERFECT people who just read my post here might be thinking that i'm a drama queen already. i make a scene out of something they thought it's "okay" and they think i don't have to fucking make things look this bad. "it's just a normal situation every people should go through" they say, "and with lots of praying and POSITIVE THINKING everything should probably be okay". well if things are as easy as they thought, there wouldn't be a lot of teens suiciding right now. there wouldn't be sooo much low self-esteem teen trying to survive in this nasty world anymore. there wouldn't be sooo much people crying every night thinking what should they do to every sadness and heartbroken they have, and how to fix it. EVERYTHING WILL BE AT PEACE, if they think this kind of situation is okay. THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, SINCE THEY ARE NOT THE ONE WHO GONE THROUGH ALL THIS. they will never know how people like me, or anybody that have flaws all over feel cause they are fucking perfect. their lifes are just soooo smooth, no problems cause they have what they fucking want, they have the looks, and they have all the money. just say what you want. if you think i make dramas so much, try being me. try going through all this, with a lot of praying and positive thinking like what you say. try being HAPPY, try not to cry. you just don't understand, cause you never know my story. how i feel, and how i've been taking all the nasty stuffs people say to me and still take it with a BIG FAKE SMILE. i bet if you were me, you'll be suiciding already.

and they say again. "try talking to your best friend, or your family, or the one closest to you..". okay then. but how about people who have a broken home, a lot of self-claim "bestfriends" but ended up talking bad behind you? how about the closest one with you is just a cat, which lately try to attack his own master? how?

i know i shouldn't say all these, i know i should try to still live with positive thinking and pray that everything will be okay. i know i should learn to do that. but i just have to fucking spit it all out, what i've been feeling and what i've been suffering here. i can't keep it inside; it's just too hurtful. and i'm tired, you think i never try to at least think positive? NO. i do it all the time. and that's what makes me survive till now. every single time i got broken hearted, i pray and i smile, HOPING that everything will be better, everything will be okay, and i try to believe that God have better plans for me. But guess what? 18 years i've been praying, and still, life still fucking sucks. it doesn't get any better, in fact it gone worse. worser and worser and worser, till i'm too tired to even believe that there's a miracle in this world anymore. really, i'm tired.

i really wish i could be as happy as when i was a kid. carefree. enjoying life, but no. i know my life will never be like when i was a kid anymore.
and no, i didn't cry while writing this post, i'm too tired to even cry anymore.

really, sick of everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

sorry if there's a lot of grammar mistakes. sorry if there's a lot of cursing above. sorry if this post annoys you. sorry if i make you hate me. i just can't fucking think anymore, just can't fucking care anymore.


You may also like

No comments: