thursday never is and never will be my happy day

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6 hours of playing in timezone today with 5 of my college friends.
i don't know i should say this is a happy ay or not, i'm totally confused and drowned deep down in my thoughts.
so i went there about 9.30 am and just went home around 8.45pm. at first, i thought this will be a very memorable day with my college friends, although not all of our group members join the fun.

but then i realize something, something that will change my whole life and my socialization around, just like that.

they actually don't need me. they don't at all. they just know how to be friends, that's all, but not family. another family that is worth me loving for. i don't even know this is my fault or not. i don't know, is it only me who hopes too much for something i'm not sure? i don't know. i really don't.

when i was at timezone with them, they said they've come here before with the others, 7 others that some went to tidung today. yeah, only 7. but those 7 are the most influencing people in my life. melia, juli, didi, richard, suhendra, even evelyn..

i don't know how should i say this.

honestly, i'm jealous.

jealous of how meli and juli can be so close, yet i can't.
every little things they do together feels like a thorn stabbing straight through my heart.

i know i shouldn't say this things cause we all are a big group of friends but hey, i know meli first. if it's going to be best friends and close things happening, i am supposed to be the one, not juli.

so you paired up with meli, which means you left me and evelyn (your first close friend) alone. i tried to comfort myself sometimes. meh.. so what. we are still a big family. and deep down i hope evelyn could replace meli in my heart. that close friend that has been paired up with another person.

but i am so wrong.

i can see evelyn don't even think about these things, let alone feels how i felt. she is so capable of everything, she can do almost anything without a close friend. she even beats me in ayodance and ddr. how could possibly she will need me? who am i kidding. even all the guys admire her. and of course, i am no match for her and i am nothing, no matter how hard i have tried.

i didn't say that i hate them. i also didn't say that i hate meli, nor juli, nor evelyn, or anybody..
i just feel after what had happened and what had i see and hear, i look like a failure. a big failure in social life and looks like i always will. it's always the same. never changed.

i just need someone, someone who can be there with me always, help me with everything, teach me how to be a person, and.. a bestfriend i think.

all the bestfriends i have all at tanjung pinang now. yet in jakarta, i'm alone. and i can't keep up with people here.
how could i possibly find a person called bestfriend here? or should isay second family..

i think i'm hoping too much, lying my self day by day that everything is okay and WILL be okay, although i know it isn't.. till now i've waken up.

i think i won't be as close as before to them. i better off alone. that's better for them and for me.

*****


he hasn't talk to me today. i said i wanna go to timezone and he didn't reply my text until 5PM, he text me only few sentence and using the word "I".
usually we would call each other by the mushy name but today he didn't, in fact he used the word "I" and "YOU" which we only use it when we're in a fight.
i don't know what's wrong with him, or what did i do wrong.

everytime i went out or whatever, he's always like that.

can you give me space to breathe please?
i'm not living just for you. i have my own life to live on. can't you see my life's falling apart now? i'm so falling down, yet you make me fall down more, way to go to be a boyfriend.

so he got fever. and he said he just wanna take a rest.
and he wanna quit texting with me and went to sleep.

i know, it must be something more than JUST A FEVER.

you're killing me slowly.


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3 comments:

  1. awww, how can your boyfriend be that harsh i mean, really, is that how a boyfriend should act? they should support their loved ones because maybe their loved ones will leave them. you never know :D

    anyways i hope that your relationships get better ^_________^

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  2. i know how does it feels to be left alone when others hanging out without you and not even trying to put a small effort to ask you to join the pack. currently feeling it though :( i can feel your pain

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  3. yeah anne T__T that sucks. i try not to be sad too long though.

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