Ah.... The capital city of Indonesia, DKI Jakarta. Located in northwest coast of Java island, Jakarta is considered the top metropolitan city of Indonesia, where hopes and dreams were made, or so they said.

It's always a pain in the ass when I wanted to pour out my thoughts but never really know where to do it. Therefore I keep coming back to the one and only platform that I know nobody is going to read but yet still in public; my blog. The everlasting blog that has been nothing but very considerate and understanding 'friend'. So, here goes nothing.

I have always considered myself as a not so social type of person, despite me everyday doing social activities with my friends. For those who know me well, they know I have a moment where I just want to be alone and not to be bothered by the needs of talking or socializing. I admit part of me has always been introvert and I like that moment, but another part of me is tired of socializing cause I think I have a problem with my communication skills. As in, I have a problem with speaking and I don't want to humiliate myself by not speaking properly.

Yes, I think I suck at speaking. I always do.

I stutter, I have a hard time constructing words, I have a hard time arranging words into sentence that makes sense, and I don't know how to engage a conversation with strangers or friends. All in all I just think my communication skills really suck. In Bahasa, especially, despite that it's actually my native languange, consider I live in Indonesia.

I don't know why, and maybe if some of my friends heard this opinion of mine, they will disagree. But they don't know me more than I do.

Maybe I do know why. Maybe I am more comfortable in speaking English rather than speaking my own native language. Maybe I hear and listen and read too much English, that I forgot how to speak my own language properly. Well if I wanted to find a reason for the lack of my communication skills in Bahasa, I think this makes the most sense.

But of course I will never blurt this out loud whenever I feel insecure with my speaking skills. Hell, who am I to be such a prude in front of people, saying that I'm too good to speak Bahasa that I have to speak in English in order to continue or to succeed a conversation? Not to mention Indonesians are mostly very judgemental and close-minded, I will easily be the most hated woman in the country.

But I think it's true.

If you ask me to engage a conversation with foreigners, it will be my best pleasure to. Besides the culture and languange difference topics that I can start with, I don't have to worry about me stuttering or being silent cause I'm not gonna. I will be very talkative and I will sure as hell enjoy my time talking with that foreigner.

I look like a douchebag bragging about how good I am in English, but if you see it from my point of view, you will know I suffer a lot from the lack of ability to talk in Bahasa. And the paragraph above is not me being a prude, but me expressing how great it could be if that can happen when I talk to strangers with Bahasa.

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Another reason that supports my belief about the lack of my communication skills is that, I believe, I don't know a lot of knowledge. Even if I do, my brain seems to forgot it as soon as it is not used in daily life. All the mathematical skills that I used to master while I was in middle school? Gone, just like that. History about Indonesian wars and all the mentionable heroes? Nada. Not to mention physics or chemistry. Don't even go near that topic.

It is hard to start a conversation if you don't know a thing about what is happening in this world. Or anything at all. I'm stupid, I must admit. I can't seem to absorb many knowledge and I hate myself a lot for that. And everytime I do some socializing, I got reminded over and over by how stupid I am for not knowing anything. And it hurts.

And don't you think I tried to read more or explore more. Heck, I got Quora on my phone. How many people can you find that has Quora on their phone?

But still though. I feel like it is never enough. Knowledge keeps fading away from my memory leaving me blank and stupid.

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My courage is also something that I am not proud of. There are a lot of times; countless of times where I think some topics might spice up a conversation but I just let it slip by, cause I don't want to be seen too kepo, and I don't want the topic that I brought up offends people. I overthink too much. Sometimes too much that it tortures because half of my brain screams for me to just shoot it out while the other side worry and fear too much. It stresses me out to the point where most of the time I feel like "fuck it, let's just keep myself shut".

That's definitely not something I want. I want to be fun. I want everyone thinks I am a cool person to hang around with.

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I still remember it clearly. I was in high school that time. I was always considered myself as a well known but not that popular girl at the school. People who wanted to make effort to get to know me will be my friend or even my date. For those who are not interested in me though, will consider me boring as fuck.

I remember there's one time this popular guy suddenly sits besides me cause he feels like it. I know he trynna be friendly or something but I don't know him well enough to start a conversation, and I don't even know where to start, so I just let him sits besides me for like, half an hour without speaking a word.

Then suddenly he just stands and walk away while saying "Gosh, sitting here is so boring, I'm out."

I know he's talking about me. And it hurt. It hurts because, he doesn't know that I really wanted to start a conversation and be friends with him but I don't know how to and from where. He doesn't see my struggle and he just judged me straight away as a boring person. It hurts cause he didn't even make an effort, but he blames me because I'm boring.

But what can I say? I was born this way. And I can't change it.

I can't change who I am just because you feel like I'm boring, no matter how much I wanted it to change, I can't.

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They say "silence is gold"
"best don't say anything if you don't have anything good to say."

It's because they don't know how it feels for wanting to scream and talk so many things on your brain, but you're not able to.

Its tiring. And it kills.

(source : weheartit)

Ngurusin surat itu ga pernah menjadi hal yang menyenangkan buat orang. Buat gue, perpanjang paspor rasanya udah kayak mission impossible banget. Ini ceritanya. Semoga membantu.
You'll be amazed by just how many phones I have used within my 23 years of age.
....and here's why.
No, i am not hurt right now nor in a fight with my boyfriend whatsoever. It's just my thoughts about this particular line, and from my experience, it always ends in a not-so-pleasant situation. Let me tell you why.

Dear God, i wanna spare some time of mine, for saying thank you to You.

I can hear my heart shatters into pieces when you said you're going. No, you're not going away from my life, but you're leaving me.
I am an introvert, and i can't be more comfortable being that way :) But sometimes people (especially extroverts) are misunderstood by our behaviour and make a negative conclusion of how we act a certain way.

In my 21 years of life I had never stepped my foot into a club. In my 22th, I lost my clubginity. And here's what i think about clubbing in overalls.